I’ve written before about some of the random emails I get from time to time that were supposed to go to a different Matt (we really need a word to describe this phenomenon; “spam” just doesn’t quite cut it), but I was reminded recently that I never actually posted my all time favourite.
This one was apparently successfully sent to its original recipient, who then tried to forward it on to someone she knew called Matt.
I have no other comments to make that can possibly do justice to this, so I will simply reproduce the email in full below–typos and incorrect “yours” and all.
Date: Nov 3, 2010
Subject: Sweet, Loving Email
———- Forwarded message ———-
Lets get a few things straight about this past weekend. I was going to wait and give you the chance to reach out to Lauren and I. Clearly it was foolish to think you would try and make this right or work this out. Your actions and total lack of respect makes this easy.
First, you did lie about what you did in our bed and it is a big deal. Having sex in someones bed without their permission or them even knowing about it is not right and not respectful inspite of what you think The other person has apologized to us for disrespecting our home and told me what happened. You as a guest in our house had no right to use our bed for your selfish reasons and invite your former boy friend over. The fact that you don’t see anything wrong with that demonstrates how little respect you have for your former friends or their home. We left our home and went somewhere else to sleep so you and our other friends had a place to stay. We gave up our room for your guys. It is absolutely my business if friends have sex in my bed without asking first when my wife and I have given up our bed for guests. So you invite your ex boyfriend over and sleep with him in our bed and when confronted lie about it? Classy.
As a side note, you were so concerned with Colin trying to get with your friend that you confronted him in public in front of our friends while intoxicated and incited a fight. Yet you left them alone together in another room as you hooked up with your ex? Or was it just talking according to your story? Either way, Hypocritical.
Second, even though you were disrespectful to Lauren and I (never once apologizing for the way you acted, never once expressing appreciation that we gave up our room for you or thanking us for allowing you to stay in our apartment) the lying is what makes this worse. You have a problem telling the truth and that’s your fault. Not Mike, Colin, Lauren or I, that’s your fault. Good look being an Army officer and lawyer when you don’t have the integrity to tell the truth when asked.
Third, against my better judgment, I agreed to Lauren having you as a bridesmaid because at that time you were friends. I sincerely thought that you had dramatically changed since college. That was a mistake. The disrespect you demonstrated at our wedding was abhorrent. Attacking your former boyfriend in front of OUR friends and OUR family was disrespectful to us on our wedding night. How dare you act like that? It further demonstrates that you have no respect for others and your former friends. Reminds me of the drunken fights you use to start in Gainesville that nearly led to arrests; now your have graduated to disrupting weddings.
Fourth, your not a victim; your the problem. You instigated a fight with Colin by accusing him of behaving a certain way with your friend. That is very hypocritical on your part and again disrespectful. However, the worse part is that the fight in the car could have gotten someone killed. You continued to anger Colin to point where he tried to attack you and I had to restrain him while trying to control the car. Instead of allowing cooler heads to prevail you continued to incite him with accusations that he cheated on his now deployed girlfriend. All of this demonstrates that you are in instigator and a dangerous one at that. Again, reminds me over your countless actions in Gainesville.
Fifth, at any point you could have accepted responsibility and simply apologized for your actions. Whether you agreed with being confronted or not, it was your choice to either apologize or offer some appropriate response. You did neither. Your response was, and I quote, “Do you want to inspect my vagina to look for semen?” Again, very classy Stephanie. And you wonder why I have no respect for you and your actions.
Sixth, you never should have involved OUR friends in your actions. They were not involved, did not want to be involved and also do not appreciate you involving them. Unfortunately for you, they also are aware of the truth, your lying and you ability to put on quit a performance. Just like Lauren and I are not fooled by you; they are not fooled by your either. My friends that witnessed you behavior first hand and saw how your tried to provoke Colin think you are psychopathic nuttjob. It was a good try on your part but they all see through you and realize your not the victim; your the problem.
Because you have bad mouthed Lauren and I to our friends, when I am asked about this little episode by the friends you have involved in this, I will make sure the truth is established. And it will be made clear that you were given the opportunity to make this right and you choose not too. You defriend us on facebook like a high school kid instead of acting like an attorney and an Army officer by reaching out to fix the relationship. Again, thank you for making this part easy.
Again, instead of trying to apologize for your actions, you have taken the path of feeling sorry for yourself and being the victim. Your not.
Lets remove all doubt as to why we are no longer want you as a friend. For the record, we are tired of your and your childish behavior. We are tired of the disrespect and lying. Lauren and I are no longer your friends those reasons. We don’t want you involved in our lives whatsoever. Just so your clear, you have lost our friendship because of your lying, deceit, selfcenterdness, disrespectful attitude and lack of integrity. And total failure to even attempt to apologize or make this right. You are the same person you were in Gainesville, always selfish, always the victim and never one to take responsibility or try to make things right.
You made this choice. Even though it is sad that things ended this way, we are actually very relieved not to ever to deal with you or your needless drama again.
This will catch up with you one day and karma will pay you back in full. You will reap that which you sow Stephanie. Count it.
To quote you “have a good one”